On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be their pastor. New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince McMahon. Most frequent complaint to worship committee: "Too much Charo, not enough Elvis." New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague reference to jello-wrestling. The missions budget just got cut in half, but the church treasurer just bought a "kickin'" new Harley.Įlders Council "prayer meetings" usually break up in a fight for the remote control. The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent Tithe."Įvery illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to "those hilarious Budweiser frogs". There's no "Reserved For Minister" parking place, only a sign saying 'Visiting preachers can shelter their horses in the stable stall marked 'preacher'. You are a member of AARP but they ask you to attend "Children's Church." The church picnic will be held at KFC this year. The pastor is out of town, but he leaves a video taped message to be shown during the worship service. The music director has you sing "Amazing Grace" in the round (a la "row row row your boat"). You're on your way to a wedding and walk in on a funeral (or vice versa). The sign out front says "First Church of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship." (In Del Rio, Texas?)Ī week before Christmas the pastor announces the church will be "closed for the holidays."Įveryone agrees the temperature in the Sanctuary is absolutely perfect! The preacher is wearing a "David Koresh Rules!" t-shirt They believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state. It's over 100 degrees outside, and the trustees haven't approved turning on the air conditioning yet.Įveryone drives a nicer car than the pastor. The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" as a polka! The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors." You have to pass through a metal detector to get inside. (Original version Copyright 2000 by Keith Todd of the Sermon Fodder.
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